oh dear heart of mine...

Oh dear heart of mine please forgive me.

Oh dear heart of mine don't clench around me 

oh dear heart of mine i have wronged you

oh dear heart of mine i have not cherished your bestowment 

oh dear heart of mine will you ever ease?

oh dear heart of mine i want to set you free. 

Chapter 14

Dear Diary,
                   it's been a while, and i'm sorry about that. Between keeping you posted about my past as well as trying to keep my future intact, i've gotten lost again, however, it seems im starting to go back to my old self, the one before i met Rakan. I guess that trip to Dubai really was the wake up call i needed. It's been 4 months since that trip and a lot of thing have happened. where should i start?

1) me and arwa are no longer on talking terms, for some reason, when i ask Arwa why she basically blocked me out her life all of a sudden, all she said was that i was no good for her and our friendship was just an act because she was bored and needed someone to toy with.

2) still no news from Rakan but that isn't so bad and you'll find out why soon ;) (by the way, i still have the necklace on and i dont think im ever taking it off, one day if i do, i'll let you know diary, dont you worry)

3) diary, i have encountered a deja vu moment, actually its more like a deja vu few months.

After Dubai, everything came crashing down with Arwa, now it all seems like a blur.  All i remember was crying my eyes out for having lost 2 really important people in a short amount of time. Maybe that family just wasn't good for me.

sorry for the short chapter and the really late post. for the people emailing me and sending hate because im not a "loyal" writer because i take too long to post, im sorry. I still need to keep up with my present life and not dwell and create a fictional life here. Bare with me. I'll try posting more and i'll post as soon as i can. Sorry again and eidkom mbarak x 

chapter 13

Dear Diary,

                    Me and my parents went to Dubai last week for my half term break. I actually just came back. While i was there, i met someone who said something to me and it got to me dearly. You might say its really cliche or cheesy but he was right. "Life's too short to be upset. If someone wants to leave let them. Never chase anyone. Never make an effort if youre the only one trying. Depend on yourself." and he also said this " لا تبحث عن شيئ، لا تطلب مساعدة من " احد او اهـتمام، لا تفكر في شخص، لاتدخل الى السرير و انت غير مستعد للنوم."

because diary, at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  That was some sort of a wake up call for me. I had to get over Rakan, i had to move on. He was never mine and never will be. I'm probably here dwelling over him while he's having the time of his life wherever he may be. I'll still worry. A part of me will always think of him, always worry about him and miss him, but its okay i'll just have to hide him deep within me, in a place that's too dark to look around, a place i want to never open up to someone about. My soul grew tired of waiting and hoping, so for now, i must let him go.

Bebe has finally gotten off my case and thank god for that. When we go back home, i have one of those school meetings again, like the one i officially met Rakan in. I cant believe its been 2 years since we officially started talking, not the awkward encounter at Arwa's house 3 years ago. It took me less than a year to fall for him and a year and a half to try and get over him. 

You may ask why didn't you ask arwa where he is? she might know. Truth is i did and she was more clueless than me, all she said was "meera he's my second cousin, we're not that close. i'm sorry i cant help you" after a while of nagging her and her giving me the same response i gave up, but that was 6 months ago. 

I keep telling myself i want to move on but i cant. i dont know why, i just really cant. At least i know he's alright or else Arwa would tell me,wouldn't she?
No! No! Think positive Meera, positive.

Anyway, i gotta go diary, its my last night in Dubai so i'm going out for some shopping, the only thing that can take my mind off of things... 

By the way diary, incase you were wondering, i never took off the necklace he gave me, i couldn't. It was the only thing i had left that was evidence that he even existed. 
The "i'll miss you"note, the note i tore up months ago and since he blocked me off every social networking site i literally had no contact with him and arwa stopped mentioning his name in front of me the same day i stopped nagging her to find out where he was. So this necklace holds a piece of my heart, i piece of my heart that i am not willing to let go of...

chapter 12

Dear Diary,

                    it's been 4 months since that day, and still nothing. I was worried sick about him. was he okay? I miss him so much...

I mean why would he leave so abruptly? Did i do something wrong? How could i have done something wrong if i was sick in the hospital? I don't know what to think anymore. Oh and of course with the whole me being in hospital and Rakan taking over every waking thought of my brain, i completely forgot about the existence of Arwa and Bebe. Ugh Bebe, it's been 4 months and this bitch is still trying to get to me.

After coming back home, i got back in touch with Arwa, she was mad at first bust soon forgave me and understood as she "felt sorry for me" and i quote. Bebe, well she of course was her usual bitch self and gave me a hard time and teased me in all the most hurtful ways possible, only opening wounds that I've started accepting in the last couple of months. "of course you don't have time to call. i wonder who takes up all your time" All her snotty comments just made me burn on the inside, and diary when is that ever a good thing? All it did was either build anger or pain, and in my situation it was both. Angry because he left with no explanation, pain because i still longed for him, but most importantly, i was mad at myself. why was i still drooling over a guy i met around a year ago, i mean we only really knew each other for a while. How naive was i to fall in love with someone so fast, but then again, he somehow did manage to destroy the walls that i built over the years. Was it even love? Do i even know what "love" is?

sigh... I'm starting to lose myself diary. i turned into the girls i used to talk about. The girls that i thought were so stupid to be hung over a guy. remember when i used to say, "well they lived without each other, im sure they can do it again", maybe i should take my own judgement, but i have a problem, i no longer remember what it feels like to be just me, a part of me is just Rakan and i think it always will be.

"i have a strange feeling that i'm not myself anymore. its hard to put into words, but i guess it's like i was fast asleep, and someone came, dissembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling." So as you can see, i think this resembles me right now. I was lost in this cold cruel world; hidden behind books and movies and fairytales, filled with curiosity, Rakan changed that, flipped it all upside down then broke it all at once when he left without a sign, oh except "i'll miss you". 

Maybe i should start fresh, but still keep a piece of Rakan with me. I never took the crescent shaped crystal off my neck, it was the only thing i had left that assured me that he was real. I want to get over him diary, but deep down, i still have hope and maybe thats why i wear the necklace. I dont know.

This is my chance, my chance to go back to the way i used to be but better, i'm free, but i dont know where to start, and i don't know how to let go. 

chapter 11

Dear Diary,
                    "i promise to be yours if you promise to be mine. i don't like waiting for things that wont stay with time".

For the next two days he visited me again, just to keep me company. All we did was watch movies or talk. During my last night, it wasn't different at all. He stayed with me till about 12am, just talking, but right before he left...

in the room

rakan: (hands me a little box)

That little box held a cute crystal crescent shaped necklace. As i looked up surprised and to thank him, he was gone. i wanted to call but soon remembered that his phone had been drained. Suddenly i felt scared without him. i felt lost without him. He didnt even say goodbye and i dont know when, or if we're even gonna see each other again soon.

i took the necklace out of the box, and as i took it out, a little piece of paper fell from the box.

"I'll miss you"

the thought of losing him killed me.
tears trickled down my face.
my heart half broken, half at peace. How could i ever put it in words? would i say i felt bitter sweet?
And at that thought i fell asleep...



The next morning i went home.

the first thing i did was go to my room and lay on my bed, which seemed quite huge and empty. His scent didnt linger here. I couldnt imagine him walking through my doors or sitting next to my bed.
i was surprised of myself. how could i miss someone so fast?

BBM

me: morning x

in the room

i waited for 5 minutes in hope that he was up and would reply, but to my luck, nothing.

At that i threw my phone to my side and got up to take a bubble bath.
maybe the warm water will wash away my sudden need for Rakan.
maybe the warm water will wash away my paranoia.
maybe the warm water will take my mind off of him for a while.
but the warm water will take his scent, his touch that i already longed for.

And all i could recall to keep myself calm was "we were always close, never apart, only in distance but never at heart"

you may wonder how i fell so hard for him diary, he was different. somehow he managed to break my walls down. he let me let him in. why him? why was it him out of everyone? i dont know, but im glad it was him who captivated my heart. However, the feeling of self doubt and guilt never left my side. was it paranoia? Or was it a gut feeling that something was coming my way?

....

Dear readers,
                      i'm sorry i haven't been posting. For now i'm gonna keep the story on hold but i promise i'll try to post another chapter soon. i want to make this a long story that has a meaningful ending and so i need time. Thank you for being patient.
yours truly, 
halla x. 

chapter 10

Dear Diary,
                             ................ is all i can comprehend right now. Tongue tied. lost. speechless. My brain has decided to desert me. Once again diary, i just froze and gawked at this boy. 


in the room

just as his lips parted to say something my door opened and he scurried his chair all the way to the wall, as far away from me as possible.



me : Thank god it was just the nurse. i swear i think i had a mini heart attack! 

rakan: hahahahaha you should have seen the look on your face! 

me : heyy not funny -.-


and like that diary, the next hour consisted of us making fun of each other and just catching up...

i didnt forget myself though. I'll regret this later but i need to tell him to go. It's getting too late.

me: umm rakan. umm what time is it?

rakan: like 11pm. why?

me: u-umm rakan, it's getting late....

rakan: hahaha okay okay, im going. but keep your phone with you.
i'll BBM you till you fall asleep.

he came closer to me just so we can say goodbye. 
dont get the wrong picture diary! he was standing up, so he was so tall compared to me. 
he bent down and gave me a hug, and after that all i could see was the mere shadow of his figure disappear beyond my hospital door as i fell asleep...

it was like his scent drugged me.   
how close he was to me, well just made me unconscious i guess. 
He wore my favorite perfume for men. 
i guess now i would say i overdosed on the scent and it put me in the happiest place ever. 
The entire world crashed around me and all i could do was cherish that moment for a while longer...