chapter 12

Dear Diary,

                    it's been 4 months since that day, and still nothing. I was worried sick about him. was he okay? I miss him so much...

I mean why would he leave so abruptly? Did i do something wrong? How could i have done something wrong if i was sick in the hospital? I don't know what to think anymore. Oh and of course with the whole me being in hospital and Rakan taking over every waking thought of my brain, i completely forgot about the existence of Arwa and Bebe. Ugh Bebe, it's been 4 months and this bitch is still trying to get to me.

After coming back home, i got back in touch with Arwa, she was mad at first bust soon forgave me and understood as she "felt sorry for me" and i quote. Bebe, well she of course was her usual bitch self and gave me a hard time and teased me in all the most hurtful ways possible, only opening wounds that I've started accepting in the last couple of months. "of course you don't have time to call. i wonder who takes up all your time" All her snotty comments just made me burn on the inside, and diary when is that ever a good thing? All it did was either build anger or pain, and in my situation it was both. Angry because he left with no explanation, pain because i still longed for him, but most importantly, i was mad at myself. why was i still drooling over a guy i met around a year ago, i mean we only really knew each other for a while. How naive was i to fall in love with someone so fast, but then again, he somehow did manage to destroy the walls that i built over the years. Was it even love? Do i even know what "love" is?

sigh... I'm starting to lose myself diary. i turned into the girls i used to talk about. The girls that i thought were so stupid to be hung over a guy. remember when i used to say, "well they lived without each other, im sure they can do it again", maybe i should take my own judgement, but i have a problem, i no longer remember what it feels like to be just me, a part of me is just Rakan and i think it always will be.

"i have a strange feeling that i'm not myself anymore. its hard to put into words, but i guess it's like i was fast asleep, and someone came, dissembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling." So as you can see, i think this resembles me right now. I was lost in this cold cruel world; hidden behind books and movies and fairytales, filled with curiosity, Rakan changed that, flipped it all upside down then broke it all at once when he left without a sign, oh except "i'll miss you". 

Maybe i should start fresh, but still keep a piece of Rakan with me. I never took the crescent shaped crystal off my neck, it was the only thing i had left that assured me that he was real. I want to get over him diary, but deep down, i still have hope and maybe thats why i wear the necklace. I dont know.

This is my chance, my chance to go back to the way i used to be but better, i'm free, but i dont know where to start, and i don't know how to let go.