oh dear heart of mine...

Oh dear heart of mine please forgive me.

Oh dear heart of mine don't clench around me 

oh dear heart of mine i have wronged you

oh dear heart of mine i have not cherished your bestowment 

oh dear heart of mine will you ever ease?

oh dear heart of mine i want to set you free. 

Chapter 14

Dear Diary,
                   it's been a while, and i'm sorry about that. Between keeping you posted about my past as well as trying to keep my future intact, i've gotten lost again, however, it seems im starting to go back to my old self, the one before i met Rakan. I guess that trip to Dubai really was the wake up call i needed. It's been 4 months since that trip and a lot of thing have happened. where should i start?

1) me and arwa are no longer on talking terms, for some reason, when i ask Arwa why she basically blocked me out her life all of a sudden, all she said was that i was no good for her and our friendship was just an act because she was bored and needed someone to toy with.

2) still no news from Rakan but that isn't so bad and you'll find out why soon ;) (by the way, i still have the necklace on and i dont think im ever taking it off, one day if i do, i'll let you know diary, dont you worry)

3) diary, i have encountered a deja vu moment, actually its more like a deja vu few months.

After Dubai, everything came crashing down with Arwa, now it all seems like a blur.  All i remember was crying my eyes out for having lost 2 really important people in a short amount of time. Maybe that family just wasn't good for me.

sorry for the short chapter and the really late post. for the people emailing me and sending hate because im not a "loyal" writer because i take too long to post, im sorry. I still need to keep up with my present life and not dwell and create a fictional life here. Bare with me. I'll try posting more and i'll post as soon as i can. Sorry again and eidkom mbarak x 

chapter 13

Dear Diary,

                    Me and my parents went to Dubai last week for my half term break. I actually just came back. While i was there, i met someone who said something to me and it got to me dearly. You might say its really cliche or cheesy but he was right. "Life's too short to be upset. If someone wants to leave let them. Never chase anyone. Never make an effort if youre the only one trying. Depend on yourself." and he also said this " لا تبحث عن شيئ، لا تطلب مساعدة من " احد او اهـتمام، لا تفكر في شخص، لاتدخل الى السرير و انت غير مستعد للنوم."

because diary, at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  That was some sort of a wake up call for me. I had to get over Rakan, i had to move on. He was never mine and never will be. I'm probably here dwelling over him while he's having the time of his life wherever he may be. I'll still worry. A part of me will always think of him, always worry about him and miss him, but its okay i'll just have to hide him deep within me, in a place that's too dark to look around, a place i want to never open up to someone about. My soul grew tired of waiting and hoping, so for now, i must let him go.

Bebe has finally gotten off my case and thank god for that. When we go back home, i have one of those school meetings again, like the one i officially met Rakan in. I cant believe its been 2 years since we officially started talking, not the awkward encounter at Arwa's house 3 years ago. It took me less than a year to fall for him and a year and a half to try and get over him. 

You may ask why didn't you ask arwa where he is? she might know. Truth is i did and she was more clueless than me, all she said was "meera he's my second cousin, we're not that close. i'm sorry i cant help you" after a while of nagging her and her giving me the same response i gave up, but that was 6 months ago. 

I keep telling myself i want to move on but i cant. i dont know why, i just really cant. At least i know he's alright or else Arwa would tell me,wouldn't she?
No! No! Think positive Meera, positive.

Anyway, i gotta go diary, its my last night in Dubai so i'm going out for some shopping, the only thing that can take my mind off of things... 

By the way diary, incase you were wondering, i never took off the necklace he gave me, i couldn't. It was the only thing i had left that was evidence that he even existed. 
The "i'll miss you"note, the note i tore up months ago and since he blocked me off every social networking site i literally had no contact with him and arwa stopped mentioning his name in front of me the same day i stopped nagging her to find out where he was. So this necklace holds a piece of my heart, i piece of my heart that i am not willing to let go of...

chapter 12

Dear Diary,

                    it's been 4 months since that day, and still nothing. I was worried sick about him. was he okay? I miss him so much...

I mean why would he leave so abruptly? Did i do something wrong? How could i have done something wrong if i was sick in the hospital? I don't know what to think anymore. Oh and of course with the whole me being in hospital and Rakan taking over every waking thought of my brain, i completely forgot about the existence of Arwa and Bebe. Ugh Bebe, it's been 4 months and this bitch is still trying to get to me.

After coming back home, i got back in touch with Arwa, she was mad at first bust soon forgave me and understood as she "felt sorry for me" and i quote. Bebe, well she of course was her usual bitch self and gave me a hard time and teased me in all the most hurtful ways possible, only opening wounds that I've started accepting in the last couple of months. "of course you don't have time to call. i wonder who takes up all your time" All her snotty comments just made me burn on the inside, and diary when is that ever a good thing? All it did was either build anger or pain, and in my situation it was both. Angry because he left with no explanation, pain because i still longed for him, but most importantly, i was mad at myself. why was i still drooling over a guy i met around a year ago, i mean we only really knew each other for a while. How naive was i to fall in love with someone so fast, but then again, he somehow did manage to destroy the walls that i built over the years. Was it even love? Do i even know what "love" is?

sigh... I'm starting to lose myself diary. i turned into the girls i used to talk about. The girls that i thought were so stupid to be hung over a guy. remember when i used to say, "well they lived without each other, im sure they can do it again", maybe i should take my own judgement, but i have a problem, i no longer remember what it feels like to be just me, a part of me is just Rakan and i think it always will be.

"i have a strange feeling that i'm not myself anymore. its hard to put into words, but i guess it's like i was fast asleep, and someone came, dissembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling." So as you can see, i think this resembles me right now. I was lost in this cold cruel world; hidden behind books and movies and fairytales, filled with curiosity, Rakan changed that, flipped it all upside down then broke it all at once when he left without a sign, oh except "i'll miss you". 

Maybe i should start fresh, but still keep a piece of Rakan with me. I never took the crescent shaped crystal off my neck, it was the only thing i had left that assured me that he was real. I want to get over him diary, but deep down, i still have hope and maybe thats why i wear the necklace. I dont know.

This is my chance, my chance to go back to the way i used to be but better, i'm free, but i dont know where to start, and i don't know how to let go.